Saturday, January 25, 2014

Modren? Maybe Not...

The hotel was described as “Discreet.”  Most hotels described as ‘discreet’ provide a place for illicit afternoon liaisons. No sign on the door. You either know it or you don’t.  Not the case here. Discreet means it is unmarked.  There is an address on the door but no other way to know if it is a hotel.  When you walk in there is a long narrow wooden table, behind which there may be a person. If not, you walk around the corner and perhaps, you will find an attractive, enthusiastic concierge, who explains that the hotel is quite unique in philosophy.  They want you to feel like it’s your home. Not my home for sure.  I have telephones in my home -- there is no phone in the room. Instead, they provide an iPad. In order to get anything, like water  (they had to go out and buy me some), or coffee, you need to Facetime with a stranger.  It’s is intrusive to the max. However, if you don’t want them to see you in your underwear, they tell you to cover the camera with your hand. (Duh!)  It’s the future. OK, we are old farts, but a phone and list of services works for me.  

Low and sleek...
Moving along. Let’s say you can get into your room.  You have to have stellar coordination to do this, because the key pad on the door goes from red to orange to green and you have to turn the door knob when it’s green, which lasts for about 1 second. Needless to say, there was no way I could get in to my room. Each time we tried to get inside, it was like “the Final Spin” on Wheel of Fortune.

If you do get into your room, here is what you will find.  Everything is very low to the ground.  It looks sleek, stark, and everything has clean lines. There is a  40” flatscreen TV in the living room, but when you walk around the corner to the bedroom, there is just a wall. In our home, we have a TV in the bedroom so we can watch and snuggle until we fall asleep.  Not that we can’t fall asleep without TV, but we prefer to have the option.  TCM? (Doesn’t that stand for Truly Cerebral Motionpictures?)    

 Store room? No, that's the bathtub.  Very handy if you are a 7'2" b-ball player
Continuing the tour... there is a bathroom. But the heavy frosted glass door to access it is so heavy that if you are not a weight lifter, it’s difficult to open it.  As was said previously, everything is low, long and sleek.  The tub is 100 feet long and two feet wide.  We tried to take a “together bath.” Elbows were flying, water was every where -- We  almost killed one another trying to stay in and get out.  The shower was not much better. It was impossible to take a shower without getting totally soaked.  That’s the point, you say.  Not exactly.  You might want to keep your hair dry; that can’t happen here.  The sink is long and flat, so when you brush your teeth and spit, the yuk remains in place like the cave paintings of Lascaux.   Not my choice of a visual.  We searched for an hour for a place which had both a mirror and an electrical outlet. 

The Vanity feature... mirror and electric all in one place

Bitch, bitch, bitch. Yes, I am... I do.  We are seasoned travelers. (Yes I did have my own room at the Embassy. Residence in Paris when Pam Harriman ruled the roost -- OK that’s showing off. Amazingly, other people used it when I wasn’t there), But for us, convenience is the priority.  In a hotel like this, they opt for visually pleasant instead of what makes sense.  I don’t want a hotel to be like my home.... If I did I would stay at some kind of “suites” hotel, where I have a fridge and coffee pot.  It’s like going into a newly renovated apartment house, where they have designed the kitchen to look clean, but there are no cabinets in which to put, pots, pans, dishes or glasses.  

And in conclusion ladies and germs, (there are no germs here), this is a hotel for young strong people who like the idea of having a “personal” chef... for many persons, and who can provide their own entertainment.  Me, I like a fitness facility, a bar, a place with action so I can people watch.  Some places are “not for me” places. But as my mother always said, “variety is the spice of life”. I have no idea why that relates to this blob, but I always like to mention Mom when I can.  Needless to say, we changed hotels.  We're just sayin'... Iris

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