Saturday, July 18, 2020

The Patterns of the Pattern

Today David asked me what i wanted to do with the rest of my life. He said there was not that much of it left, so how did I want to spend it?  We are realists looking at the average life span  of white men and women of our generation.  It was not something I think about all the time so it gave me pause.  

I responded, “Well, I always wanted to be at star at something. And I don’t know if there’s time for me to do that. And, at what would I be a star?  There have been decisions I made that were not very smart, but look at my record” I said to him. “Certainly I should be a political legend.  If I were a  man that probably would have happened. So many campaign firsts. So much work on women’s issues. So many 501 C3’s for which I got no credit. So much stuff,  but no clarity.  Books, yes. Shows, yes. Memorable projects for which other people took credit, yes.  So many credits and hardly a Kudos.  But all that is in the past, so what do I do now  to make a difference?”

This blob, which has always been a joy and a life line and why did I stop writing?  Well, with the pandemic and too many losses I was truly overwhelmed. Nothing humorous to write. But over the years the issues we dealt with were not humorous, we just were able to laugh at them and ourselves.  Donald Trump, for example. is a person without any skills, no interest in learning, and a wretched leader.  A racist, a bigot and a moron.  Under most circumstances, because I had enormous respect for the Presidency, I might forgive him. But no, he’s just an idiot without a moral core, who clearly is afraid of Putin.  You can’t be the President and afraid of a another horrible leader without a moral core.  

But enough of the ‘nots.’ As was mentioned in the first paragraph, there were some serious losses.  This will not be an obit column. There was the man who was my high school boyfriend, and if you had one, you understand the impact of that love on your life.  He played professional football and got hit in head a few too many times. It did something resembling Alzheimer’s to his brain, but that was not the disease.  The remarkable thing is that he didn’t remember what happened yesterday, but he did not forget his high school friends or the adventures  we had.  We never lost touch over the years but it was often months, sometimes years that we didn’t see one another; the loss was pretty heavy.  

This pandemic has wreaked havoc on all our lives, but thankfully there is Zoom. Catching up with people you haven’t seen in days, months or years  has been pretty easy  and  delightful.  I studied tap, attended  two weddings and unfortunately one funeral. Some meetings are one shot but  some are ongoing meetings. For example, I attend a meditation meeting every week with some college friends.  It has been terrific to see them but it has changed me in so many ways.  I am “easier”.  We have learned different techniques and experienced a variety of feelings.  We meditate together and then we talk.  The two things that have had the most impact on me, are the concept of patterning and the ability to look most arguments as “nothing,” and so to move on. In my mind the two are connected. How many of us repeat the same argument with our kid or spouse, because it is a pattern we fall into.  For example, when I got divorced my ex would call me over and over and we would argue, We would do the same ‘you did, I did” dance over and over.  One day my friend Jane, who had often witnessed this painful performance, came over to me, took the phone out of my hand and hung it up on him.  “You don’t have to talk to him”, she said.  “It is always about the same conversation about nothing,  and you don’t have to do it.”  I changed the pattern.  Now when David  and I start to argue, I respond with either something funny or Absent myself.  We have been together non stop for over 100 days, and we have not had any ugly words. We changed the pattern.

Tomorrow, the political thoughts come back. If you don’t agree, don’t comment, it’s my blob and not a conversation.  That’s changed.  We’re just sayin’…. Iris

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