Then...

Yesterday my business partner asked me if I was lonely. He said my voice sounded lonely. It never occurred to me that you could sound lonely, but I’ve learned over the last few years, that there are many things that never occur to me. Like, (and may have said this before but), whoever said, “The more things change, the more they stay the same,” obviously was blurting not thinking. We all know that once things change, they are never the same again.

Tomorrow marks the first anniversary of my mother’s death and, as it happens, my Dad’s Yartzeit. Yartzeit is the anniversary of the day someone dies. Unfortunately, the Jewish calendar and the English calendar are never, or usually never, the same. So, you don't ever know when to light a yartzeit candle. There is an actual web site that tells you how to figure the English day of death and the corresponding Jewish date. And it is possible to figure it out all by yourself. As it happens, Dad died on July 10th, but his Yartzeit is the 16 the same day Mom died. Yartzeit is not supposed to be a sad time. Rather, it is a day of remembering and reflection. But sometimes, when you remember and reflect, there can be moments of, dare I say, loneliness.

This blob is not intended to be another whining, self absorbed, piece of poop. It is rather meant to be thoughtful and reflective. (Oh, gag me with a spoon). When we are children we wish we were grown-up. And when we get older (not everyone actually becomes a grown-up), youth seems most appealing. My incredibly smart grandfather, always told us not to wish our lives away, because life was like a train. When you are young you are on the local, but at some point it becomes the express. There are probably people who can remember exactly when that happened. Not me. I can’t remember what happened yesterday.

First I was five, my dad played with me on the beach, then I was twelve and he couldn’t walk anymore, then I was sixteen, then 35 (the worst birthday ever), and then…

First, I was going steady with Dicky Boughton, then pinned to Les Bauer, (that ended badly), then married with a baby, then married again, with a different baby, then…

First, school was a place where I went to entertain my classmates (and my cousin Stevie), then off to college (Stevie went to the Phillipines), then on to teaching, politics, government, entertainment, then…

First, there were parents and a giant extended family, then poof, it got smaller. Then…

First the children are totally dependent, then they have families of their own, and they see you -- only sometimes. Then…

First your beloved cannot live without you, then Valentines is for buying a card, then…

First you are then the local, then the express. then…

Then, is not a bad thing. It’s just that things are never the same and then…
there can be moments of loneliness in between the moments of joy, then…