Talk About Confused!

Talk about confused or maybe a better word is manic. The candidates must be in the market for a therapist who specializes in ups, downs, and ripping your insides out. I wonder what they are talking about at campaign HQs in Chicago and DC. Let’s pretend that we’re the candidate and we have to do an assessment of last night’s events.

Ladies first. She reflects, “Before I walk into any meeting, I need to decide if the campaign is headed in the right direction.” Then she says “Did we accomplish our mission (as opposed to ‘mission accomplished’ – that’s much too Republican)? “Yes, I think we did. We won three States by respectable margins and we stopped the Obama voter and super delegate hemorrhage –for now. We seem to have found common ground with the voters. With everyone afraid of those pesky terrorists, we stand a better chance of convincing them that experience counts. And they seem to buy the, ‘well I was sleeping with the President when he got the call,’ argument. I don’t think I actually said that but the implication was certainly there. Mark Penn has denied having anything to do with the campaign. I guess he was a little short sided. Maybe now is the time to rid myself him and his ‘expert’ advice. —and once again Ickes was right. Thank God, Harold is doing the super delegate stuff – at least someone on my campaign staff knows what they are doing. Those Obamians better take heed. Oh, and maybe I need to find a way to keep McAuliffe off TV. He appears as such a buffoon. Those white guys-- maybe I should suggest he and Bill take a golf vacation and leave the campaign to the people who really want me to win. Now it’s on to Wyoming (that’s where the deer and antelope play) and Mississippi (that’s the place we all learned about in a spelling bee). I guess it doesn’t matter who wins in either place because anyone can say just about anything and get away with it. I declared victory in Florida and Michigan and no one challenged me about that. Maybe if no one challenges me about anything, I can just appear at the Convention and claim a victory. No one wants it to be messy.”

And in Chicago. He says, “What the heck is going on here? I know I have been saying that we came from behind and so it is a victory for us—or maybe I didn’t say it, but I should have. There I was, moving forward at a quick and steady pace and then all of a sudden -- wham! Hillary finds her voice and a way to win – at the same time. And what did we do. Nothing. I tried to say that she already had the ‘red phone’ opportunity and she made the wrong decision. It didn’t work! I mean I said it with a flourish.... And who thought my commercial, which looked just like her commercial would reinforce what she said about my lack of experience. Why didn’t we have dozens of those super delegates and people, who have international experience, out there decrying the content of those ads. Do we even have a surrogate scheduler who understands what we need to be doing about the plethora of false information. (plethora and decry—pretty good descriptions of the disaster, right – maybe I’ll use those in my next speech.) But what am I to do? I don’t have a Harold Ickes making super delegate deals. Do I. Do you think it’s time for the kids to reach out to the grown-ups for some help? That may be premature. I am going to win in the west and the south. The cowboys love me. So do the belles – unless they are over 50 and white. I guess we need to make some change. Maybe I should go on the attack. My speech was a bit lackluster last night. It didn’t have the spark. I hope I’m not losing the magic. That’s what we’re about – magic and hope. But people are asking questions about substance. They are even questioning my voting record and my ethics. These Clinton people will stop at nothing to win. Some people say that playing hardball is what it takes to be the President. Should we do the same thing? I want to run against McCain and Hillary has endorsed him. So now I’m running against Hillary, Bill, John and the President. But wait, this might be a good thing. Maybe if I coordinate the rapid response and run against the past, it will resonate with voters. But what am I going to do in Pennsylvania? Rendell and the Pa. elected officials are not going to make it easy. Who do I have there? Who should I send there? What do I say to all that new generation of voters who I brought to the party? How do I continue to inspire instead of expire. Me, and 100 of my best experienced friends better get it together to say something to the press and the public that will turn things around. Or at least turn them half around. We have to do it before August. No one wants it to be messy.”

Anyway, it’s fun to pretend that someone is listening to you when you have something to say. Oh, if only it were so. I like listening to me so much more than I like listening to the pundits on TV. I heard something recently and I wish I could take credit for it but alas, I have a strong moral core. It went something like this, “it’s easy to be positive, civilized and humane when you can hire someone else to be the son of a bitch. The Clinton people seem to know that. The Obama people need to learn it. We’re just sayin... Iris