How Was Your Mother's Day?
Generally speaking I am opposed to mothers day, fathers day, pets who wear coats day and any day that's not Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday -- you get the picture. It is not that I don't like celebrations but let's get real -- snail mail cards are very expensive, e-mail cards are too easy, and celebration should be about getting liquored up and behaving inappropriately, not a fancy brunch. I have asked my kids not to do or buy anything for me because I'm trying to downsize my crap and they are busy with more important things. That is not the case with my mother, who often says, every day is mothers day but doesn't mean it.
We decided to go to New Jersey for a relaxing weekend to celebrate and also see how she was doing with her new companion—we’ve now had two in two weeks. (If anyone knows a nice lady who drives and want to be my mother’s au pair please call.) And instead of going out to eat we bought tickets for "The Wedding Singer". The show, not the movie. I know what you are thinking. But, in fact, it was really fun and you should all see it...but try to do half price at TKTS because otherwise you will have to mortgage your house. We took my mother and my Aunt Irene. When I was a kid my aunt introduced me to Broadway with shows like Pajama Game, Fiorello, Milk and Honey, Bye Bye Birdie, Bells are Ringing and many more. But aside from paying her back for that important introduction, she is great company and an excellent theater critic.
But I’m jumping ahead of where I think I intended to be. Friday night we had dinner with friends and a little too much to drink. I had one of those, “Why did I do that to my body” nights, and hardly slept. At about 7:00am, I was awakened by a my mother softly but repeatedly calling my name. At first I though I was dreaming. But then I realized it was my mother and it was very early and I knew there was a problem. I leapt out of bed, and raced across the hall (it’s only about three steps) and imagine my surprise when I found my mother flat on her back on the floor. She was wearing a heavy terry cloth robe but it was opened and she was naked. I knew I couldn’t pick her up so I covered her and shouted for David. He came running (also three steps).
You know how there are times when you think, this is not the way I wanted to start the day, and more times when you know laughter is inappropriate but almost impossible to avoid. Like the time my Aunt Sophie was crossing the street, fell into a hole and disappeared, but we didn’t realize it until she didn’t answer a question we had asked. Or the time my Aunt Peppie tripped carrying a large tray full of chaluptcha’s (it’s not Mexican it’s Jewish rolled cabbage) but rather than lose even one, as she went down she maneuvered the tray so she lost none. You’re thinking we are a bunch of klutzes and it may be so but that’s not the point. People falling down is pretty funny. Food coming out of your nose while you’re laughing is even funnier. And while it is true that I didn’t actually see my mother fall, it is also true that the consequences can be equally amusing. Well, it is certainly not what I had envisioned for a relaxing mothers day but remember, I am philosophically opposed to mothers day, so what did I expect.
OK, I didn’t look at David and we didn’t laugh until we knew she was alright, and more importantly was well enough to go to the theater – remember, we had sold our first born for the tickets. We managed to get her up and found a walker for her to use for balance. It was not an altogether happy mothers day but it was not without it’s moments… like trying to get her up off a very low toilet seat at the restaurant or having to stop at David's brothers apartment (halfway to the GW Bridge) because she didn't tell us, before we left the theater, that she needed to go to the bathroom. Never mind, that’s too much information for a blob. But the good news was that our seats for the show were remarkable, my kids called but didn’t buy or do anything for me. And David forgot the cards to which I am so avidly opposed. So how was your mother’s day? We’re just sayin...