The lump that ate Chicago

Just when you think things are going great, the phone rings at 6am and it is Victoria Mews advising you that your mother has had yet another fall. This time, they are unsure how it happened but she hit her head – they think-- and her arm and shoulder were bothering her so off she went to the hospital where they discovered a chipped elbow. When I asked her how it happened she said that she was getting out of bed. I asked why she hadn’t called an aide to help her. She said in a tone indicating I was a moron. “I didn’t know I was going to fall.”

And then there’s the lump on my thigh. It seems to have come out of nowhere. I discovered it because I was carefully applying sunscreen during our trip to the beach and there it was. A big fat lump. It was bigger than a dime and hard and it seems to be growing – yes the growth part may be imagination, but it did appear from nowhere so why, like the blob, why shouldn’t it just grow until my whole leg is a lump.

My knee is also in trouble. I think that may be a consequence of a fall I took when Jane and I went to the Signature Theater in Va. A few months ago—maybe a year. We were crossing the street and I lost my balance and tripped...oh yes balance is another issue. So there I was, in the middle of Four mile Run bleeding profusely and hoping not to miss the first act. When I finally hobbled into the theater I went directly to the ticket office and asked if they had a first aid kit. They did and I went to the bathroom and cleaned it best I could—before the curtain went up. We enjoyed the show and then when I got home I took a good look. It was seriously gross, but I washed it used some peroxide and medicated it—what else was there to do.

Well, three days later when it was seriously infected, I went to the doctor and was not surprised to find that, yes, I should have had it stitched, and yes it was infected. I began taking antibiotics but that only helps the infection. I probably should have had it X-rayed because it keeps going out from under me. Of course, that might be a consequence of my bad back or the fact that I had a phlebectomy (I think that’s how it’s spelled, but my spell check has a headache) for my varicose veins a few weeks ago.

Back to my lump. I called Deborah because she is the VP at NY Hospital for Surgery. This does not mean she can operate on my lump but I figured she might know someone who could take a look at it. She said I needed a referral or something, and my doctor is on vacation so the search for a referral begins. I guess I could call my mother’s doctor who has heard from us about too many times lately. Did I mention the thing on my face that I thought was a little blister but it’s been there for three months and a doctor, who is not a dermatologist but a doctor still, though it might be basil cell – is that how you spell it or is that the spice? Either way it needs to be picked.

And more bad news. My friend Jill called to say that the McGovern luncheon was going to be broadcast on C-span tonight. That’s not bad news -- but I’m getting there. She said the producer Rich Dubroff had gone to the mat with them. I said, “Rich Dubroff must be my cousin.” Thinking, how many Dubroff’s could there be. Jill said to check the spelling on his name. I called Rich and sure enough he spells it the same way we do. He agreed there weren't many of us. His family is from Russia and his Grandfather had many siblings—who were not my grandfather. And his father was in the movie business and those Dubroff’s are related to Lauren Bacall. So that’s the bad news. They are related to Lauren Bacall and we probably aren’t. I hate the kind of relative who steals all the good stuff.

Oh and did I mention my bronchitis. Well I have a terrible case. I can hardly breathe. The doctor gave me a script for a Zpak which we picked up at Costco along with a script for Jordan, who has a sinus infection. Are you tired of this whining. OK There is some good news, speaking of Zak, he’s getting his first tooth. That’s good news for all of us, except teething can be painful and tedious for the little guy, but at least it’s temporary and thank God, it has taken my mind off the lump that is getting big enough to eat Chicago. We’re just sayin...